Sexual shame is a deeply ingrained and often silent force that can profoundly impact mental, relational, and sexual health. Stemming from societal norms, cultural attitudes, religious teachings, and personal experiences, sexual shame can manifest in feelings of guilt, embarrassment, and unworthiness surrounding sexuality.
Common Expressions of Sexual Shame
Natasha Helfer, a sex therapist encounters the impacts of sexual shame daily in her practice. Many individuals grapple with questions and feelings such as:
- “Why can’t I masturbate without feeling a sense of guilt afterward?”
- “Why can’t I say no to my partner without feeling like I am failing them?”
- “Why can’t I surrender to the pleasure of what I’m experiencing? It seems like the closer I get to orgasm, the more I get interrupted by negative thoughts or flashbacks.”
- “I know that my vaginismus is partly due to how I was raised to be scared of having sex.”
- “My erections are being impacted by how I feel about my ability to perform.”
- “Why do I feel broken if I have no desire to have sex? Is it okay to be asexual?”
- “Even though I came out years ago, I still struggle to enjoy orgasm with my lesbian partner. How do I get over the shame that was instilled in me?”
The Psychological Impact of Sexual Shame
The psychological impact of sexual shame can be significant, affecting individuals on both a conscious and subconscious level. It can lead to feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and low self-esteem, as individuals internalize negative beliefs about their own sexuality. This can create a barrier to forming healthy and fulfilling relationships, as individuals may struggle to be vulnerable and authentic in their intimate connections. It can also create a barrier to experiencing pleasure. Ultimately, orgasm is a surrendered release, which is difficult to attain when individuals are stuck in cycles of shame and negative self-talk.
The Silencing Effect of Sexual Shame
One of the most damaging aspects of sexual shame is its ability to silence individuals and prevent them from seeking help or support. Shame thrives in secrecy and isolation, making it difficult for individuals to open up about their experiences and seek the healing they need. This can further perpetuate feelings of shame and self-blame, creating a cycle of negative thoughts and emotions. It is not uncommon for clients to seek therapy years, if not decades, after they first started noticing sexual dysfunction related to sexual shame. This is tragic, considering the many effective treatments available to combat shame.
Healing from Sexual Shame
Healing from sexual shame begins with understanding its origins and challenging the beliefs and attitudes that contribute to the feelings of shame. Individual and couples therapy can be a valuable tool in this process, providing a safe and nonjudgmental space to explore and process experiences, beliefs, and emotions surrounding sexuality.
Practicing Self-Compassion and Self-Acceptance
It is important for individuals to practice self-compassion and self-acceptance as they work through their feelings of sexual shame. Recognizing that sexuality is a natural and healthy aspect of human experience, and that it comes in a diverse variety of presentations, can help individuals reframe their beliefs and cultivate a sense of empowerment and agency over their own bodies and desires.
Connecting with Supportive Communities
Connecting with supportive communities, seeking out sex-positive resources, and engaging in self-care practices can also aid in the healing process. Surrounding oneself with understanding and empathetic individuals can provide validation and a sense of belonging, while self-care activities such as mindfulness, journaling, and creative expression can help individuals process and release their feelings of shame.
The Journey to Liberation
Breaking free from the heavy burden of sexual shame is a courageous and transformative journey. By confronting and challenging the beliefs and attitudes that contribute to feelings of shame, individuals can begin to reclaim their sense of self-worth, empowerment, and joy in their sexuality. It is never too late to seek healing and liberation from sexual shame, and every step taken towards self-acceptance and self-love is a step towards a brighter and more fulfilling future.
